and laughed at by the gods

My husband and I met online. I laugh now because it was in a private chat room that was part of a newsgroup... remember them? The newsgroup was about wrestling and what was called WWF at the time.

I had started watching it when I couldn't sleep or out of sheer boredom. I had no idea who anyone was or what the whole idea behind it all was but it was better than infomercials.

We chatted for a few weeks then spoke on the phone... exchanged emails and finally decided that he would come visit. Between the time we decided he should visit and the actual visit, we also decided we'd get married. By the time he arrived in Canada we had been an online item for 8 months. I had never wanted to get married... just wanted the kids and to travel but I met him and changed my mind.

When he first arrived and the plans of the wedding were revealed, all hell broke loose for the most part. Some friends at the time, a good chunk of my family and a few strangers were all up in arms about how it would never work. How I was being stupid, being desperate (I'm the one who didn't want to get married, remember?) and endangering everyone in the process. Eventually, the loss of a few friends, a few months and a lot of tears things got better. We got married and a few months later found out we had a baby on the way.

Our first baby was a hard and stressful delivery. She scored zero on the APGAR test and spent 12 days in various parts of the NICU. I was with her the entire time and he was as much as he could be. We brought her home and started that wild ride in a new  home. Baby two came along sixteen months later and the challenges of having two kids under 5 brought with it its own share of trauma and laughs.

Time wore on and we settled into the whole family thing... kids starting school, kids in programs after school or weekends, dance performances and new friends.

The one thing that remained constant was the feeling that his money was none of my business. He flat out refused a joint bank account which was normal to everyone else... had credit and bank cards in his own name, did the taxes to which I had no idea whether there were returns or amounts owed and spent work bonuses on stupid big screen tvs I still don't know how to use or other various electronics. I paid the mortgage, insurance on two cars and home, taxes, utilities and other items such as extras for the girls, repairs or decorating supplies and for a good chunk of time, the cable or satellite, phone and internet. I was feeling the strain with mat leave running out and my babysitting gig being cut short so he took over the phone, internet and cable and started payments on a new car he wanted to make things easier on everyone.

One day in summer 2013, he asked if I'd go to the bank with him to help figure out the debt he had on his credit cards and other debts. I wasn't too clear other than a credit card what other debt there could be. When I sat down in the loan officer's office and heard he was $20 000 in the hole taking everything into consideration,  I thought I was going to either puke or pass out of both. He sensed this and although I couldn't look at him, he was very apologetic in his body language. They were suggesting putting the debt on the mortgage and moving it to their bank. He promised to pay part of the mortgage at this point to pay down the debt but I had my doubts. I had heard this before when it came to the car insurance.... that he'd pay me for it if it came out of my bank account. That lasted a whole two months at most.

Secretly, I hoped I wouldn't be saddled with this debt too because I was breaking myself as it was. I was furious with him but couldn't articulate it. Any extras the kids had been getting or expecting... any thing their friends were doing was suddenly cancelled. I started cleaning the Dojo where they took Aikdio to balance their class cost and I started shopping as frugally as I could.  I was still furious. When I would bring up the subject, it was met with defensive bullshit and childishness. I stopped asking.

The next year, still struggling. My cousin decided it was time to sell the last piece of property in my grandmother's estate. This was about 60-70 acres of woodland along with a barn, shed and paddock for a horse. It had been in the family since she was a girl. Her father bought it.

I knew the money would be divided between the cousins because the will had stated that the proceeds were to be divided by grandma's children and if they had died, their children. If they died without children, their portion was to go back into the pot and be divided by the remaining. By this time all but one of the four children had died so it was divided between six people. I had my own debt I'd been carrying for years.... a lot of it from the wedding, furnishing our first apartment ,, baby stuff and the like. I had planned to pay that off, get things fixed around the house and FINALLY be able to say YES when the girls asked to do something. Not have to worry all the damn time about money. Maybe even put some away.

It took a little over a year from the sale of the property to the cheques coming out. Typical lawyer bullshit of course. He got paid first. I got mine just after Christmas and for the first time, could breathe. I bought a few things needed for the house and was waiting until the new year to start repairs on the house or paint. He started giving me weird looks when I came home with some $12 laundry baskets... the ones we had used before were garbage and I was sick of them breaking. I brought them in and he frowned at them but didn't say what was bothering him.

It took until 2 January for him to come out with it. After putting the girls to bed he announced he thought it was time he found his own place because " If I inherited money from my family, I would have given half of it to you right away". Sorry what? Now you want to talk money? I'm supposed to pay off YOUR debt along with still covering EVERYTHING else that was major? Supposed to pay for repairs on a house you haven't contributed a cent to? Still pay your debt or pay for a new playstation for you to piss around on? No. I was in shock. When he was confronted with "so this is about money" he denied it was about money... well if it's not money what IS IT about? He'd repeat... "if I had that money, I'd give half to you" . Ok so it's because I didn't do what you SAY you'd do? No... it's not that. OK so what is it? No answer.

Many fights later... finding out he was in conversation with his sister (and likely mother) when I wasn't home ... as in them emailing to see if I was there so they could call or not and how he'd have to go quickly if I came home... we settled into an uneasy normal. It was tense... he was moody and quick to snap . He refused to discuss anything. I had given him $5000 and offered to cover groceries FOR A FEW WEEKS and he said that was fine.

In April, I borrowed his mobile to send a text to a friend. I saw another text from an 18 year old he works with and had him calling her sweetie, darling and complaining about me. I lost my patience. He didn't see anything wrong or inappropriate about it and refused to stop. In fact he hung out more with this chick even going to her house with ''other people '' supposedly when her parents were not home and staying until 1am. I went to a marriage counsellor because he wouldn't go. I hoped my going would encourage him. It did to a point. I said "I think we need to see the counsellor for our sake and the sake of the girls" He said yes he would. He had also just been tested for a few diseases but had convinced himself thanks to Dr Google that he had the fatal of them. Even our own doctor said they were just testing him for it to rule it out but he continued to tell anyone who would listen that he may be dying. Exact words. It came to August. Test results still not back and an absolutely toxic environment in the house. My 9 year old had been asking for months for me to kick him out. He was moody with her and she had enough. She started wetting the bed and talking to her friends about how mean he was to her and me. The 8 year old just sailed along wanting it all to be normal but they both knew. She would ask why I looked sad. I had enough. I asked if he would please go get help with me. The answer was a curt "no" and that he would leave once separation papers were signed. No discussion just NO.

We told the girls the next day. The elder child had no reaction.... loads of questions after but didn't react. The younger child was sobbing and asked him to stay and get help with me. He refused. How does a parent refuse that request? As soon as he said that, anything I felt for him that was left disappeared. I still don't know what he thinks I did wrong and that is the truth. He won't talk about it and in my opinion is being a puppet with his mom pulling his strings. I decided I don't need that either. He wants the girls at his apartment (which I have no idea how he will pay for on his own) Saturday night to Sunday night. during the week. I want them in clean beds and in no danger. We'll see how that goes on the salary of someone who manages a pet store. The salary of someone I asked to go for their real estate license because I knew he'd do well. I offered to pay for that. He opted to stay in the store.

I guess it's disappointment I feel. Anger toward someone who would do this to their children and for him to be such a coward and not fight for his family. I will never understand and don't want to.